Loneliness, grief, and frustration.

The month of June isn't over yet but I can say that it has definitely been one of the more challenging months I've experienced. So far, May and June have by far, been the hardest months in Thailand.

I've experienced a wide range of emotions the last two months but the most intense emotions I have felt are loneliness, grief, and frustration.

To be honest, the situation in Thailand hasn't been great. The cases are increasing which means things have closed and I haven't been able to do as much as I have wanted to in the last two months.

Loneliness:

After both of my American friends had to leave, I've struggled to find motivation to explore on my own and do things independently. Simple tasks such as going to the grocery store or a restaurant are much more challenging than one might think. I can't just get in my car and drive to Target when I need something. I have to call a taxi, explain to the driver that I don't speak Thai, then go to the store where everything is in Thai and try to find out what I need and where it is located because it's hard to ask for help. Simple tasks are not simple with such a distinct language barrier. I've found myself spending a lot of time in my room alone the last two months. Don't get me wrong, I love being alone but being in a temporary home that doesn't have as many things to keep you occupied, it gets lonely and boring.

Grief:

The last week of May, I quickly learned that although living in Thailand is a dream, life still goes on in America. My friends and family are still living their everyday lives, which is easy to forget about when you're living across the world.

Over Memorial Day weekend, I received saddening news that my uncle unexpectedly passed away. Receiving this news was difficult but the days following the news were the most difficult. Seeing my family hurting and grieving was hard and is still hard but being 8,000 miles away, hasn’t been easy. I have felt helpless. I was grieving the death of a family member but also trying to support my family at the same time. Here in Thailand, I'm 12 hours ahead which has proven to be a challenge to communicate with them. It hasn't been easy to support my family when we are on opposite sides of the world. When it's time for me to go to sleep, my friends and family are just starting their day. When I found myself grieving, my family and friends were asleep, and it made it hard to talk to someone. I've had to lean on my friends that I have made here to help me process some of my emotions.

Frustration:

The second semester of school started in the middle of May. Our school year started online again because of Covid and we all know that teaching virtually is hard, especially when you don't know the kids. Recently, the big school, where I live, was in desperate need of a grade 1 teacher. They explored every option they could but ultimately it came down to the decision that I would agree to teach grade 1 on top of my Kinder1 classes. I had 12 classes added to my already 20 classes a week, making my schedule full. I did receive a pay raise which is nice but it is definitely a lot more work. Thankfully, it's only temporary but there have been a lot of frustrations with my new schedule and the start of the school year being online.

Over the last three weeks, I have struggled. Some days are really good and others are really bad. Recently, I had a friend speak truth and encouragement to me. She said "Kelly, all of these frustrations at school are affecting your joyful spirit." I was getting so wrapped up in my situation that I wasn't focusing on what really matters and the enemy was taking every opportunity to attack my vulnerable soul. At one point, I asked my friend "why would God keep me here just to be frustrated all the time?" and she reminded me that we have to go through hard times to help us learn to lean on Him.

I've had to take a step back and remember why God has brought me here. Even though I'm overwhelmed with the number of classes that I have added to my schedule, I thank God for allowing me to bless even more students with my talents He has given me. My faith has been tested in so many ways and I'm just so thankful to have a God who gives me grace, walks me through my hardest days, and gives me internal peace that only He can give.

I'm not perfect. I find myself doubting and questioning His purpose for me in Thailand some days. My experience here has been far from what I expected but I see many silver linings of the unfortunate situations I've experienced while here. I'm thankful to be able to share my journey on the good and bad days. Most of the time, Thailand has been a dream but I also think it's important to shed light on the difficult days because it's reality.

I'm hopeful that the Covid situation will improve in July allowing more things to open up and that I’ll have the opportunity to travel more. With only 3 months remaining in Thailand, I'm focusing on soaking up every moment and making the best of each situation.